Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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