Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
