Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
