Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
