I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
