I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
