We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
