I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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