My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
