TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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