I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize