hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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