I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
