Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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