i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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