i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Everything about him screamed your future.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
