Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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