Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
