in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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