My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
