I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
