i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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