Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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