I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
