the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
