Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
