hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
