Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
