it hurts more in the daytime
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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