So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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