Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
