I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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