I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
