I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
