I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
