last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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