I'm so fucking centered right now
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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