My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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