it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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