one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
