4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
the raccoons are back...
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