Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
