i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
