Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
