Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
