you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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