his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
