This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize