Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
