I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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