someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
