Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
