he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
