On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
