You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
