i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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