Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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