how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
