I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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