i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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